Warble defence

I felt a little silly after posting that last blog.  I’d hoped and thought I might.  Despite hesitating over clicking the Publish button, thinking: you sound like an angsty dickhead, I still did it anyway.  There’s been a few of those posts.  In a way it was a defence mechanism.  If I feared the worst and prepared, then it wouldn’t happen, or it would be less likely to, y know, if I prepared for all eventualities.

Utter bollocks, of course.  It would have no bearing.  Like when you fear the worst if a loved one isn’t home yet, or hasn’t called.  If I imagine it, just for a moment, then..   Then what?

But I also wanted an outlet and somewhere to vent and pathetically cyber dribble on the shoulder of the internet.  It’s what I use this blog for, from time to time.  I doubt it makes for very comfortable reading, but it gives some semblance of release which is relatively harmless.

I probably won’t die imminently.  I might do, of course.  There’s nothing saying it can’t happen.  But for the moment I feel marginally more secure that it won’t.

The last 24 hours or so have brought, with the relief on my head, a quite foolish seeming exhilaration, an oddly construed pride in my resilience, like I’ve made a comeback of sorts.  Listening to uplifting music on my iPod while walking down the street, I’ve wanted to do a goal celebration and high-five strangers.  Get me!  Not dead yet!



4 Responses to Warble defence

  1. Redbookish says:

    Hey, don’t beat yourself up. We all have those moments, and yours was really interestingly imagined & written about (I can’t even bear to think about mine).

    Glad the headache cleared.

  2. annajskye says:

    Just read this and the previous post. This is your blog and it is your right to write whatever you want. In my opinion blogs are a very useful way of writing down your thoughts whether anyone else reads or not agrees or not the very act of putting it out there can be cathartic.

    I suffer from migraines and cluster headaches that might make me want to die but I can honestly say that I have never experienced anything like you described. I did find it very odd the way you wrote in the third person throughout the post was that deliberate?

    • swashbuckled says:

      Thanks Anna. Yep, this place often serves a very cathartic purpose, regardless of audience. It’s weirdly freeing to just have it out there rather than write it down and save it to a hard drive forever.

      I wrote in that way deliberately, to give a kind of distance and address myself. I think it can get boring to read and write exclusively in the first person after a while, so I occasionally write in this way or invent a new character for myself. I wrote a couple of posts about nearly drowning in this form last December, which were entirely true but possibly just confused any audience.

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