Dear March 2017 Me

Dear March 2017 Me, thanks for your blog message of just over a year ago.

You’re in quite a state, aren’t you? Well, there’s good news and bad news. You’re all still alive and living in the house, just as you were 12 months ago. You haven’t had to find or been able to find additional work, however you prefer to look at it. You have looked, applied for a few things, but nothing has really come off. And that’s ok.

You’re still getting by here in April 2018, paying your share of bills and mortgage. Not a whole lot has changed, except one pretty major thing. You look set to become a Dad around sometime in September.

I know. I KNOW, alright? Don’t freak out. It’s hard not to, yes. I should find some words to explain why you should not freak out but they are not exactly coming to me right now so perhaps you should freak out a bit. Or maybe wait a while. No point freaking out back in March 2017. Wait a little longer until you catch up with us here in April 2018.

Time is confusing, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, impending parenthood does not mean you are now on more solid financial ground. Far from it. You still lurch nervously from month to month. You have just done your tax year calculations and found everything to have slumped by a few grand on the previous year, as expected. But try not to read too much into it. This is difficult because we are measured and judged by such things as our annual incomes and our net profits. Not least by ourselves. You know your flash self-satisfied neighbour dickhead with his new Mercedes earns three to five times more than you. You wonder how you are quietly judged for being at home quite so much.

But you can choose to flip it, to disregard it a little, to treat it more as a month-by-month thing – as you do. You are tightly controlled by those numbers in your bank balances. Some months they are frighteningly low and you don’t know what you’re doing, what the future holds, how you can live with yourself when you’re able to offer your family so appallingly little – here, Happy Birthday, have a satsuma – but it can all change with a sudden decent, promptly-paying job.

Sure, it’s extremely unlikely that any big bucks opportunity will turn up to give you any significant financial cushioning. Something, say, that would allow you a short overseas holiday and some decent continental sun on your face. However much you crave it, that would require serious funds in order not to feel horrendously guilty about all the rolling expenses.

But on the small month-to-month scale things can turn around quick enough. It’s how you cope with the bumpiness, the choppy seasickness, the rollercoasting anxious pukeyness of it all: that’s what matters.

It feels like you have little choice but to cope with it, and you often feel like you don’t, like you simply revert to beating yourself up, telling yourself how much of a useless self-indulgent lazy shit you are. She doesn’t like that of course and tells you not to do it, how you must not do it, you need to stop doing it for your own health. But it’s a difficult, deeply embedded neural pathway to reprogram.

You are open to new opportunities here in 2018. You still occasionally glance at job boards, but feel evermore cut adrift from traditional workplaces which value solid consistency and certifiable skills.

The fact you don’t do much with yourself is a good thing financially. You finally allowed your 8 year gym membership to lapse, despite using it regularly until the day it expired. It was another cost you did not need, although it was somewhere else to go, an escape, an outlet, sometimes even a social outlet. Outside of that you walk the dog, listen to podcasts, you work when you can; you have a library membership and Netflix and Spotify and hopefully before too long a demanding small person whose bodily fluids you will have to endlessly field. You have independence. That will be plenty.

So March 2017 me, yes you get through it all ok. You ride it out. It isn’t easy and it never gets easy. But you know, the same goes for you and most of the population. In the grand global scheme of things you have plenty to be grateful for.

For now anyway. Until everything gets gradually even worse with the economy, Russia, business gets worse again. How much worse can it get? Probably a lot. Damn. Now you’ve got me nervous again. Hey April 2019 Me, is everything ok?

Lots of love,

April 2018 Me

 

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: