June 2019

Something from a journal document type thing I have sporadically written in since the birth of my daughter last September. Not sure why I’m posting it. It’s a sort of whiny, burp or fart sort of post, so perhaps I’d just rather it out than in.

June 21st

Only at around 10am did I realise that today is Friday 21st June, the summer Solstice, rather than Thursday 20th June. I would and should have risen early to try and get some sunrise photographs, as last year. Having wrestled with an intermittently sleeping baby until the small hours, and because I vaguely believed today was Thursday 20th, I didn’t.

Floorboards are your worst enemy when trying to exit a room in the silent dead of night. Especially when trying to inch away from a lightly sleeping baby in a cot. Last night’s final manoeuvre of the three attempts must have taken ten minutes, from gradually removing a comforting hand from her body, to actually exiting the room.

Dreams can bewitch and confuse some time after you have them. Last night my old university flatmate featured prominently. In the dream I walked through a crowded room, first ignoring him and possibly one other person I knew. But then, afterwards, after I had gone through a violent ordeal – tinged by the dystopian thriller I’m currently reading and have had my mood infected by – we did speak at length. It occurred to me in a wakeful state that he may reoccur sporadically in my dreams because his was an important friendship to me, and a good one for a time. I ultimately grew to think he was an utter prick, but for the first two of the three university years we lived together, we were pretty much best mates. We went out and got drunk together a lot, as well as living together. We shared a lot of laughs. Only in the final year did it sour, when he split from a girlfriend and forbade me from seeing her after she came to the flat for a cup of tea, which I told him he couldn’t do – via text message. It was cordial after that, and we never socialised together. We both had girlfriends by then anyway. He was a pretty boy and never single for long. There was an awkward exchange in the street in Cheltenham a few years later in which we traded mobile numbers, half knowing we’d never use them, and never did.

Perhaps the dream came about because I’m feeling bored and lonely, frustrated and anxious at the moment. I never get out from this domestic bubble, I have no social life or close friendships, I hardly exercise aside from walking the dog and that currently comes with hayfever misery. I feel sort of trapped due to lack of funds and financial worry. I constantly worry about work and money and the future, and I am easily irritated by C.

She extended her maternity leave so we are still living on top of each other all the time and have petty squabbles not infrequently. Coming back from our first Welsh lesson on the dual-carriageway yesterday, I indicated to overtake a car and came up perhaps a little too close to the car in front, just as the one behind me had also pulled out to overtake. “Are we in a hurry?” C questioned, so I pointedly backed off and slowed right down. We argued over whether she meant for me to slow down, which she insisted she didn’t but I claimed she sort of did, and she grew tremendously irate about it. She can also appear entirely ambivalent to my feelings and loneliness, sexual repression and financial worry. She is wrapped up in a sexless baby-world, concerned by baby safety things, infinite purchases of items we may or may not need, social politics with other mums, baby classes, her own work. She skitters indecisively back and forth, moth-like, struggles with simple decisions, takes fucking forever to do even the simplest of tasks. She can lash out as she did yesterday, comparing mine to a Nigel Farage mentality when I rejected what she said she meant. We are probably on egg-shells around each other far too much.

She’s going to bed a little later now, around 9pm, as E is sleeping a little more consistently from 7.30 – 8ish. But when she goes I am left with the dog and a book or Netflix and am usually pretty bored and fed up, hankering for extra human interaction. So I drift onto social media and that ends up depressing me or making me feel worse about myself.

Work is slow, my summer pipeline is not full, there’s not much to look forward to or be optimistic about, I am woefully under-occupied and constantly beating myself up for not doing more with my time. What should I be doing? What should I be doing? Come on. Create create create. But at the same time, if you look at my life generally – married, beautiful baby daughter, lovely dog, nice enough house, good health – I don’t have much to complain about. E continues to be generally wonderful, a reliable outlet of pure joy where everything else can be forgotten.

In a similar dream vein, a few weeks ago I dreamt about my first girlfriend and she stayed on my mind for a good part of the next day. I skimmed through her Facebook and Instagram accounts. More of the same outdoorsy lifestyle, enviable mountain walking holidays with husband. No sign of a baby yet. Her mother and father had really struggled to have her, I remember. There was at least one miscarriage before her and she is an only child. Perhaps there’s a genetic issue. You can’t really discuss previous relationships and first loves with your current partner. It’s always difficult and hard to know what to do with those lingering feelings.

We populate our brains with these growing shreds of memory and feeling as we age. They get filed away somewhere deep and are unearthed at seemingly random but probably not really random times, injected into dreams to remind or unsettle you further. When the brain offers a distant flashback from a decade or more ago, it feels like a message, like you are being asked to consider yourself anew, like this stuff is not just navelgazing narcissism, but profound and worthy of contemplation. Probably isn’t though.


crap at friends

It’s one of those deeply embedded psychological niggles carried through life, how I am apparently bad at making and keeping friends. How I apparently alienate people. Even now, a proper adult somehow with a wife, and fatherhood pending, it is a thing I am angstily sucked back to.

What is actually wrong with me?  

It feels bad and arrogant to think or express in any type of way, but I occasionally wonder if it isn’t because most people are stupid and do not want to engage or discuss or converse on the same level. People are hostile when they sense someone is brighter than they are. Intelligence can be threatening and unattractive.

And yet I genuinely do not think I am all that intelligent. (Not just saying that to appear slightly less of a twat). I do not and cannot speak with any serious authority about anything. Neither specialist niche things not anything wider, difficult or complex: religion or politics or Big Stuff.

Perhaps I am just a boring, self-indulgent idiot. My wife recently fell asleep when I was attempting a sincere outpouring of feelings. She is quite pregnant and has rocky energy levels at the moment but this also happened before she was pregnant.

The difficulty of making friends in adulthood is a broadly known and relatively well discussed thing. But I found it hard to make friends right the way through. A loner in the primary school playground, on the periphery of friendship groups at big school, part of small aimless college sets, living alone for much of my twenties, terminal singledom – not for the want of trying though, man I tried hard. There were mates, football teams, old friends who came and went and occasionally still come and go but with ever-decreasing regularity.

For the last decade or so my work life has been isolated and confined. For the last few years or so my social life has been virtually non-existent. Stay home, read books, watch films, walk the dog, spend no money. Perhaps a once or twice a year drink with sporadic friends I don’t really know that well. My best mates are Spotify and Netflix and Kindle.

Impending parenthood presents a new opportunity. Many of the solid regular good adult friends you see around, of this early middle age, are friends because of their children. This commonly shared and synchronised interest in pregnancy, labour, childbirth, new babyhood – this stuff can bind you. Maybe more so for mums than dads, I don’t know.

Our formal NCT classes are over now, those groups where half dozen or so couples sit around in circles and are explained physiological things and poked into discussing their fears by a kind, mumsy sort of lady.

On one of the final meetings, when our couples separated and it was the men’s turn to go to the pub, I was the last to leave the community hall, exchanging a few words with my wife beforehand. Nobody waited, nobody told me where they were going, nobody let me know via the Whatsapp message group. After heading to an assumed pub and walking around for a while I had to message to ask, finding they had walked in completely the opposite direction and were in a different pub ten minutes’ walk away.

“Wouldn’t like to go to battle with you bastards!” I joked when I finally found them in a beer garden, “let’s just leave the prick there, eh?” And we all laughed like men. But I have always felt like the prick who is just left there. Yesterday I read a fantastic piece about childbirth and shared it to the group. Nobody replied for hours. Why? Because everyone thinks I’m a prick? But why does everyone think I’m a prick?

I don’t know.

What will happen the other side of the trauma, if and when we have our little bundles of joy and despair and angst: that is anyone’s guess. Will we actually bond better then, will we become like proper friends, or will that stuff be mainly for the mums again?


At June 2019.

We men didn’t bond better. The women did, after a fashion. Though it still appears a little fraught with social awkwardness and the desperate affectation of confidence and coping fine. No messages on the men’s Whatsapp group at all.


It’s dispiriting to feel like your life is boringly monotonous. The same day after day drudge and drear of samey life, greyness, rain, drizzle, cloud, an office job towards which you feel at best indifferent. I have been there. But now, here in Summer 2018, life is not like that.

Now the days are long and the heat is frankly ridiculous. The end of June sees us in the middle of a sweltering heatwave pulsating across Britain. My wife is seven months pregnant and understandably struggling. Things can’t continue like they are right now – although a long hot summer is forecast. Work is unpredictable, insecure, never the same, but not terrible.

We are progressing, working through things to a set timeline, a certain goal or a series of them. Life is buffering, a montage sequence in a film ahead of the dramatic climax. Serious scary change is coming.


Our last visit to my parents was strained and faintly awkward. Mum had been clear in wanting to see us at regular intervals throughout my wife’s pregnancy so we felt the press of obligation to return. In truth, I would have preferred to stay home, drink beer and watch the opening World Cup matches.

But they were busy around our visit too, and perhaps only expecting us to stay on Friday night, not Saturday. Saturday’s very simple meal suggested we weren’t. They were going on yet another overseas holiday the following week and didn’t have so much in the fridge. Such things are not always clearly qualified from the outset, although Dad always likes to know the full plan as far in advance as possible.

It was heartening to overhear my parents laughing together in the kitchen. Mum often seems keen to be perceived as the valiant, put-upon, long suffering hero of their marriage. She will habitually moan about her husband at length. It is justified to an extent because Dad clearly is quite selfish and lazy. But she absolutely enables his behaviour and makes catering to him her life’s occupation. On a walk the following day, when I mentioned being pleased to hear that moment, she almost seemed embarrassed, foiled. 

Mum is going charity shopping crazy in anticipation of our baby. If there is a baby related product on sale at a car boot sale or in a charity shop which is sub £4, Mum will buy it whether we want it or not. We were not sure if we wanted a sterilizer. Especially a used one.

“Is this… erm, milk, around the edge?” my wife asked.
“No no, I’ve given it a wipe,” Mum replied.

Nonetheless we are forever in her debt, forever giving thanks and conscious of having to give thanks.

On what was a mind-numbingly boring Saturday night it felt like I was taking liberties to ask for a second beer when nobody else had a second drink. Then I realised I had drunk three of my Dad’s four pack over the two days. Was that…? Was that ok? Or too much…? Was there a beat of disappointment before my Dad’s consent? 

Sometimes it feels like these people are not my parents who I have known all my life, but two new housemates, people who have recently taken me in, to whom I should always be enormously grateful every second of the day. Much is unknown and unspoken.   


On the work front too I am apprehensive of the switch up from third gear coasting to a higher gear of busyness throughout next week. The ability to adapt and accept such fluid change is part of freelance life, but it still makes me nervous. Consistency gives a greater assurance and confidence than jittery stopping and starting. You have more time to think and have doubts about all the things that can go wrong, how you might be let down by equipment or yourself in difficult situations.  You fear dropping the ball somehow.

Planning work around her due date is another worry. As a sole trader you have no paternity leave, as well as no annual leave. Knowing there can be long neurotic stretches of quiet, you feel unable to turn down reasonably paying work when it’s offered. But you don’t want to miss anything in the first few days of your child’s life and you certainly don’t want to be absent when it matters. Less important but still massively annoying, work also means missing out on big World Cup matches.   


making luck

What is luck? There could be a spectrum for luck. Big bad luck (terminal disease), small bad luck (tripping over and looking silly), big good luck (winning the lottery), small good luck (finding a pound coin), and everything in between.

Put in those terms, you might think perhaps there is a spectrum, different chunks of luck which you may or may not be afforded. But still, it is possible to consider luck singularly, as one entity or phenomenon.  In which case you might claim it’s impossible to attribute causal reason to luck and happenstance. It is ungovernable and purely random.

But there is a common, lazily trotted out motivational phrase which deeply irritates me. “You make your own luck,” people say. People who say this usually appear comfortably off, moderately successful, possibly smug, maybe posh. At times it appears self congratulatory, as if they might have been served a good helping of luck at one time or another, whether by their birth into wealth or a fortunate career turn, and they wish to acknowledge that luck while also communicating that they are deserving of the luck because they worked hard. At times it whispers faintly of guilt.


I most recently heard the view espoused by a well groomed middle-aged white man of affluent appearance to a sports’ hall of hundreds of people: young people and their parents. To exemplify resilience and achievement against adversity he also used a recent Premier League football match in which one side apparently overcame a 2-0 deficit to win 3-2. I don’t really know anything about the chap (‘chap’ feels appropriate) but I found it all nauseatingly trite, almost social class propaganda.

A patronising implication of “you make your own luck” is that if you buckle down and work hard at something, conform to the system, you will be successful. It will happen.

But if you work hard at anything, surely the aim is that you will ultimately earn rewards. You will improve or develop and good things may come as a result. Is that luck or basic cause and effect?

Sure, if you go around scouring city centre pavements, you’ll have a better chance of finding some pound coins. (Although would it be ‘lucky’ if you did?) If you religiously enter the lottery every week, you’ll have a better chance of winning.

You might always get a break (perhaps a medium chunk of positive fortune), but this is not really the same as luck: wild, random fluke. Not if there is a direct relationship between solid effort, industry and progress of any kind. You can create and inhabit the conditions in which a positive turn of events can favour you. Not really the same as luck, is it?

It’s misleading to say there is a simple direct correlation between working hard and success. Although a degree of positive fortune is often needed to grease the wheels of achievement, and perhaps young people always need the reinforcement that there is virtue in working hard, in being disciplined. I don’t know.

Modest people occasionally attribute their success to luck. “Me? No, I was just lucky” they might say. “Right place, right time.” But again, their ability and work until or indeed beyond that point is likely to have a strong bearing on sustained success. They inhabited the conditions in which they might ultimately prosper. It was not plain, out of nowhere, here-have-a-million-quid luck.

Luck is often discussed in total isolation from big bad luck because it is a whole different kettle of fish. If your plane falls out of the sky or your baby contracts an obscure terminal disease, that big bad luck is exempt from anything we have done. It has no relationship with our actions, with fate or destiny. In the aftermath of a devastating accident and multiple fatalities, nobody claims, “pah.. well, you make your own luck”. Or “everything happens for a reason”. But it is still luck, fortune, chance.

Should bad luck be divorced from good luck? And if you can’t create bad luck, can you really create good luck? Surely luck is just luck: bald, featureless, arbitrary, ungovernable. To suggest otherwise, to suggest it can be created by working hard, that is self-serving nonsense.

Dear March 2017 Me

Dear March 2017 Me, thanks for your blog message of just over a year ago.

You’re in quite a state, aren’t you? Well, there’s good news and bad news. You’re all still alive and living in the house, just as you were 12 months ago. You haven’t had to find or been able to find additional work, however you prefer to look at it. You have looked, applied for a few things, but nothing has really come off. And that’s ok.

You’re still getting by here in April 2018, paying your share of bills and mortgage. Not a whole lot has changed, except one pretty major thing. You look set to become a Dad around sometime in September.

I know. I KNOW, alright? Don’t freak out. It’s hard not to, yes. I should find some words to explain why you should not freak out but they are not exactly coming to me right now so perhaps you should freak out a bit. Or maybe wait a while. No point freaking out back in March 2017. Wait a little longer until you catch up with us here in April 2018.

Time is confusing, isn’t it?

Unfortunately, impending parenthood does not mean you are now on more solid financial ground. Far from it. You still lurch nervously from month to month. You have just done your tax year calculations and found everything to have slumped by a few grand on the previous year, as expected. But try not to read too much into it. This is difficult because we are measured and judged by such things as our annual incomes and our net profits. Not least by ourselves. You know your flash self-satisfied neighbour dickhead with his new Mercedes earns three to five times more than you. You wonder how you are quietly judged for being at home quite so much.

But you can choose to flip it, to disregard it a little, to treat it more as a month-by-month thing – as you do. You are tightly controlled by those numbers in your bank balances. Some months they are frighteningly low and you don’t know what you’re doing, what the future holds, how you can live with yourself when you’re able to offer your family so appallingly little – here, Happy Birthday, have a satsuma – but it can all change with a sudden decent, promptly-paying job.

Sure, it’s extremely unlikely that any big bucks opportunity will turn up to give you any significant financial cushioning. Something, say, that would allow you a short overseas holiday and some decent continental sun on your face. However much you crave it, that would require serious funds in order not to feel horrendously guilty about all the rolling expenses.

But on the small month-to-month scale things can turn around quick enough. It’s how you cope with the bumpiness, the choppy seasickness, the rollercoasting anxious pukeyness of it all: that’s what matters.

It feels like you have little choice but to cope with it, and you often feel like you don’t, like you simply revert to beating yourself up, telling yourself how much of a useless self-indulgent lazy shit you are. She doesn’t like that of course and tells you not to do it, how you must not do it, you need to stop doing it for your own health. But it’s a difficult, deeply embedded neural pathway to reprogram.

You are open to new opportunities here in 2018. You still occasionally glance at job boards, but feel evermore cut adrift from traditional workplaces which value solid consistency and certifiable skills.

The fact you don’t do much with yourself is a good thing financially. You finally allowed your 8 year gym membership to lapse, despite using it regularly until the day it expired. It was another cost you did not need, although it was somewhere else to go, an escape, an outlet, sometimes even a social outlet. Outside of that you walk the dog, listen to podcasts, you work when you can; you have a library membership and Netflix and Spotify and hopefully before too long a demanding small person whose bodily fluids you will have to endlessly field. You have independence. That will be plenty.

So March 2017 me, yes you get through it all ok. You ride it out. It isn’t easy and it never gets easy. But you know, the same goes for you and most of the population. In the grand global scheme of things you have plenty to be grateful for.

For now anyway. Until everything gets gradually even worse with the economy, Russia, business gets worse again. How much worse can it get? Probably a lot. Damn. Now you’ve got me nervous again. Hey April 2019 Me, is everything ok?

Lots of love,

April 2018 Me



trying harder

It was like I’d suddenly announced a newly sprouted penis, such was my brother’s whooping theatrical incredulity at the news. On revealing the pregnancy to him and his wife at our childhood home, they seemed shocked and surprised and pleased. Their children, aged 11 and 8 and also in the near vicinity, understandably seemed more indifferent.  “Weird” was the verdict of my niece.

I sensed that although my brother and his wife had never probed and would never concede it, they had more or less assumed this was off the agenda for us. It would not happen. Perhaps it was wonder enough that I found someone with whom to share my life after so many barren years in my 20s, a period when they appeared to smirkingly speculate about my sexuality from time to time.

And now we appeared to have our modest lifestyle sorted: our dog, nice enough house and our relatively low income. It was clear I was not earning much money. My other half was doing ok in her steady job though and we were getting by. Surely we would not upset that with a new human being. That would be silly.

But this pregnancy news presents a whole other dimension.

Later on, after the initial shock had subsided, a mile or so into a long walk with the dogs and kids, my brother said, “well if you sat down with a spreadsheet it wouldn’t work, but…”  While this was eventually followed by a more positive spin and ways it could work out with the help of our parents, those words stuck with me. They rang around my head for days because I knew they held a cold bleak truth.

I still scrap by month to month, sniffing out the next few hundred quid, and the next few hundred quid. I work hard but continue to exist with horrible insecurity. My mental landscape is defined by my bank balance, how achievable the next bankable few hundred quid will be, when it will arrive in my account, how much I will have to politely chase for it, what the next job will be.

How sustainable is that when your wife has to go on an all too brief maternity leave, when you are looked upon to provide more, to ‘man up’, to try harder? It is not all that sustainable, admirable, manly or generally good.

Waves of sickening nausea are not currently hers alone. Profound worry now skewers me regularly, deep in the pit of my stomach. Guilt for my slightly indulgent lifestyle which I often feel when closing a book and finishing a coffee at lunchtime. Are you working hard enough? What more could you be doing? Are you just in essence a massively idle prick? Sometimes I voice this and am severely rebuked by my wife. ‘This is not helpful to you or me.’ Of course she is right, but it’s a program I have difficulty overwriting.

There was a meltdown of sorts while walking the dog alone a couple of days after telling my brother, back home. Leaning against a gate at a favourite spot, watching the sun set over the rolling green hills the bigness of it all came crashing in, the life-changingness, the responsibility, the finances, the money, the insufficient funds, the emasculating inadequacy, the potential being who will ultimately hate me for their boring empty scrimping frugal childhood. Panic and despair and frustration and stupidity and an almost out-of-body sensation. My red face and tears confused the dog. That was weird.

Should I look for other work and another reliable income stream? Easier said than done perhaps, but I suppose I should try. How I despise the idea of a boss, authority, judgement, tediously mind-numbing work. How will we manage with the dog? She could go and stay with my parents and their dog and that would be fine. I would hate it though. I would painfully miss the creature, the only thing that reliably makes me smile most days. And I would trade it for probable misery and money? Would I? Please no, don’t let it come to that.

Plenty of people do this though. They take on more work when faced with greater responsibility, arguably the ultimate domestic responsibility. They unthinkingly make sacrifices because they would do anything for their kids. I am no different and should accept it, buckle up.

Adaptability is something I have traditionally considered myself good at.  I have moved a few times across a central belt of Britain, had a number of very different jobs, experienced no small amount of change. A few years ago now, for around eighteen months I wrenched myself into a recruitment consultancy largely populated by idiots. It was awful but it was regular reasonable money.

This impending phase of work appears the most formidable: a biblical swell of digits which I will heroically surf upon or drown beneath or thrash through.  I cling with dumb hope to ideas: being miraculously saved by a huge job, a new professional relationship bearing spectacular fruit, an old one coming back around, offering something solid and dependable, some random opportunity. Wishful thinking.

first scan

Everything dissolves away when you see those wiggling pixels on that screen for the first time. All the cynicism, the fears and worry. It represents so much, that squirming shrimp-like shape, jiving around in its bat-cave, that tiny zone of distilled life where a pulsating beatbox can be seen jack-hammering away with absolute urgency. For a morbid moment you wonder about the entire working lifetime of that heart, where or when it will stop. Worst case scenario: weeks or months. Best case scenario: a century? That heart is the conductor, the boss. How little we think about our actual hearts, how much we unthinkingly bastardise the shape for emojis, the word to mean anything we have feelings about.

The detail is phenomenal. The arc of its head, the blimp of its nose, feet, toes. You will get photos printed, and accidentally avoid having to pay for them. Photos will be taken of those photos to email people. Your mum is desperate for you to tell your brother now, but you want to be able to see his face when you do. Not so easy.

Later that night you beat yourself up for not thinking to take a video on your phone.

Earlier that morning, while walking the dog, you had pondered again the whole ‘living in fear’ subject. It’s constantly hard for you to avoid, in large part due to your unpredictably sporadic work and finances. But you remind yourself this baby thing is no different to big relationship commitment. Never committing might often seem like the easiest option if you’ve been badly burnt or consistently suffer rejection, as I did for roughly a decade. There is no risk because there is no chance of being hurt, destroyed, or just as painful, having a relationship slowly and sadly fade out. Risk can be eliminated if you choose not to invest, not to work. A big part of boringly conventional life and love involves taking a deep breath and hopefully, cluelessly leaping into the unknown. It’s almost universally terrifying.

You squeeze her hand in the darkened room. The cheerful, likeable young Welshman, angles the screen towards her. You see tears glisten in her eyes and manage to contain your own.

pregnancy test

From that moment, life is subliminally changed, shifted, promoted. It is injected with a profound undercurrent of hope, anticipation, expectation, fear and deepest concern.

You exchanged gifts in the living room to a carelessly selected Spotify playlist of Christmas songs. You weren’t pleased or proud with the gifts you’d given her, although neither of yours was especially inspired or imaginative. You had agreed not to ‘go to town’ with them this year.

You’d been heartened by a chunky workflow in October and November which made you think Christmas would be less riven with financial angst than usual. But the jobs tailed off abruptly in December, one or two had failed to transpire. Did that client go elsewhere? On top of which was the annual mystery of January. Would that be totally barren? How careful did you have to be?

So when it came to the exchange of gifts, you were disappointed with your offering. She kindly seemed not to care that much. You’d like to think she didn’t, but there were other things on your minds.

She went upstairs to the bathroom, peed into a cup, dipped the plastic test thing in it, waited. You followed up shortly, confirmed the instructions on the packet. Fairytale of New York wafted up the stairs from Alexa as you took a deep breath and inspected the thing and saw the line indicating yes, she was pregnant, you cheap lousy faggot. She looked up at you as you held her, her face all creased up like when you proposed. You marked the moment with confidential silly selfies.

Even in the thinking about it, during the trying to conceive, you see all the stuff: all the terrible bad things that can happen, you are hyper-sensitised. Headlines, tweets, television documentaries, news articles, radio phone-ins you happen upon in the car. Illnesses, disabilities, behavioural issues.  You know the high statistics around the likelihood of miscarriage: the biggest and most real fear. A cheap bestseller you happen to start reading concentrates on a midwife and her experiences of all the terrible things that can happen during labour. Because you feel barraged by this, and because it is still so early in the grand, hopefully 9-month odyssey (you preface everything with caveat words like ‘hopefully’ and ‘all being well’ so as not to tempt fate) you suspend yourself, never quite giving permission to enjoy it, to be excited. Does that permission come later perhaps, much further down the line?

You took a dizzying circuit of Ikea in the week, ostensibly looking at rugs. In the clearance section an eye grazed over baby cots and your belly lurched with the potential new dimension of reality.

Right now caution and fear underwrites everything. She is something of a hypochondriac at the best of times, sensitive to all health issues after losing both her parents before she was out of her twenties, bearing a burden of care for her dying father, having a thyroid condition requiring constant medication. You know you have always been a more glass half empty sort of person, a realist, you like to think.

Life has ticked on a few weeks. She has told more people than you – close friends and family. You told your parents later on Christmas Day – partly to embellish more underwhelming Christmas presents, partly so you could take a rare photograph of your father smiling. That’s all for you, until now. Last weekend a dinner at your best friend’s, planned for a few months, was cancelled when you sent a text message checking all was well a few days beforehand. His socialite wife had double booked them, really sorry. Having few friends, you had been looking forward to it for a while, but it seemed a forgettable fleck in their busy calendar. It picked a neurotic scab, the suppressed knowledge that you are not your best friend’s best friend. He is yours but you are not his. You rarely feature on his dozy radar.

You have long understood though, that people your age with a reasonable real-life social network are usually connected by their children, by being parents.

For now life remains suspended, anticipated, hoped for. An incomprehensible amount of stuff could change in the foreseeable future. Or it might not.

connection speeds

For the past three years, approaching Christmas Day I’ve done a job at a children’s hospice. They arrange for an excellent Father Christmas to visit the place in an exciting way through some local emergency services and I take pictures of it.

This year the whole thing was marked by the absence of a huge character. In previous years this kid, aged 9 or 10, had been the biggest character by far. He was the boss kid, organised everyone into place, set the agenda, demanded people sing Christmas carols louder – although he was always the loudest. He was the first to run over and leap into Santa’s arms, improbably confident for any kid, endlessly energetic, he just did not stop.

A few weeks ago this kid died. Before Santa arrived I was chatting with a couple of staff and one of them mentioned it. Oh, HIM?!? Really? No…

My brain struggled to process the information. There are all sorts of children at the hospice. They span across boundaries of social class, race, nationality. These horrific life-limiting conditions can happen to anyone. We are all at their mercy. A number of the kids look sick, wheelchair-bound, disfigured in some kind of way, as if they are suffering. This kid did not. This kid did not look sick in any way. Part of you wondered if he was an imposter, a fraud. He was clearly fine! Look at the chopsy git!

Light Googling revealed local news articles saying the kid had an extremely obscure medical condition of the type only a handful of people suffer in the world. His parents had a number of his organs donated when he died. How must that itself affect you? Knowing your dearly beloved kid is being sliced up for his organs?  Perhaps the knowledge that parts of him are living on, helping other people live on, perhaps that outweighs it. It must.

Here was a kid infused with a life-force and energy so vivid and animated and in-your-face loud. In certain moods it wouldn’t have been unreasonable to find him an annoying little gobshite. Then you found out he died. It affected me more than I might have expected, because I dumbly hadn’t expected it. But if you keep going back to a children’s hospice for a few years running you are likely to encounter sad stuff.

But still… not him. Not THAT kid.

It hit hard because of where I am at personally right now, how we are thinking about babies a lot, attempting to conceive. You don’t know where this path might lead you. Awful stuff like this can happen to anyone. Much is down to dumb luck.

It can fundamentally change your life more than having healthy kids. The practicalities of the day-to-day might be wildly complex and cumbersome. You can be caring for them for much longer, until they are adults and you are nearly dead. It might feel like they have stolen your life and you resent them for it – as explored in Graham Swift’s 1996 novel and its film adaptation Last Orders. As with stupid random death, there’s no reason or rational explanation for any of it, which can be the most difficult thing to fathom. That lingering unanswerable question: why us?

Over the following hours and days my brain kept circling back to this kid. I shared some not especially good pictures of the kid to a memorial page I found on Facebook. It felt like an obvious thing to do.


Last night, Christmas Eve Eve, we went to a drinks and nibbles evening at the house of some friends on the other side of town. It was an unusual thing for us to socialise like this. We don’t have many friends as a couple or go out that much generally. I can’t remember the last party or social gathering I or we went to at somebody’s home.

The evening was pleasant and the people were nice. It was fun chatting to the really young kids and the not so young kids. On leaving in the middle of the evening to get back to the dog, an elderly lady called out to us from next door. She was leaving after posting Christmas cards, feeling a little wobbly. I held her hand and walked her back to her front door, a few houses away, listening to her talk. In such situations you are always unsure how weird or strange it might get. Had this been orchestrated a little more than it seemed? Had this lonely old lady been waiting on the doorstep for someone to leave the party next door? Might she invite us in? (The week’s new mini-series of The League of Gentlemen was fresh in my mind). But it didn’t get weird at all. It was fine.

Such stuff gives me a gratifying sense of connectedness, which I suffer a marked deficit in. I work largely alone, don’t have many hobbies or socialise with anyone. I chat with dog walkers and plenty of them are quite odd. Now and then I feel this is something I should get up off my arse, be brave and address somehow. Yet I shy from it because people often irritate me, or so I tell myself. And because I don’t know quite what to do. A book club?  Football? Evening classes? Nothing really appeals.

People my age tend to have their social circle expanded through children, other parents. As of now, we have none. You see documentaries and news stories about old people who say the secret of their longevity is as much social interaction and keeping the neurons sparking, as it is exercise or diet. Basic human connectedness is important, but today it is worryingly easy to relegate, ignore, forget.

weak jizz

Don’t tell anyone, right? It’s doubtful you exist, dear human reader, so I’m fairly sure you won’t. But if you do, don’t.

Thing is, we’re trying. To conceive, reproduce. We’re actually doing it. We haven’t really told anyone but we’ve been trying for a couple of months. It’s the first scary hurdle of a virtually infinite challenge, and it’s one which we might fall at.

Attempting to conceive unleashes you into a strange mental gymnasium of angst and worry and fear. Thoughts about biology and science and what might work best and what might not. At 37 and 35 we are not quite hitting the panic button, but we are not too far off. You have a sense that this thing might have been much easier 10 years ago.

As a bloke you can have efforts where you feel strong, where you have that control and confidence in your jizz. Maybe when you reach the big moment you feel like you can spurt your jizz a good distance, get it up there in the mixer, where it counts, lump the jizzball up in the box and see if one of your guys can get their head on it, in it. I don’t know. I am not 100% on all the science and biology.

On other occasions, maybe when you’ve been trying the thing (sex) regularly for a while and you do not feel so fresh, you have occasions where the big moment feels floppier. It is like a juddering staggering over the line. You don’t spurt, you dribble. You are just grateful to have made it and you feel relieved it is over.

Although, when that happens you sort of hope none of the guys make it because that thing you just did, that can’t be great quality jizz, can it?  If any tadpoles from that lame show somehow make it, they might create some substandard, weak fusion. This might produce a being which is slow, lazy, backward, or, or disabled somehow. Is it terrible to think that? Have I doomed myself just by thinking that? No kids for me now. But what if bad stuff happens and problems occur and things are not right? Would it all be down to my tepid casual jizz somehow miraculously making it to the payload?

Is that how science works? Surely not.

We are done for another month now anyway, which is sort of a relief. Most of my 20s I furiously bemoaned intense sexual repression. Now, not all that many years later, I feel grateful for the respite.


We had an extended family meet-up at the weekend. Planned around 6 months in advance, it bought together our family with the one discovered 12ish years ago thanks to ancestry.com digging and my grandfather’s roving eye.

Our three generations mixed in an impressive, newly renovated home in an affluent area of outer Birmingham.

Their family have two daughters a little older than me and my brother. This was the stunningly spacious house of the elder daughter, aged around 44, happily married to a partner met at university (as my brother), with two beautiful kids, one boy, one girl (as my brother). Not having children, it’s difficult not to feel an outsider when they are chatting about child things with my brother and his wife.  Kids’ clubs, music lessons, schooling: the stuff of which we know nothing. So we stand there and smile, anxiously stroking the knowledge of our secret efforts and weak jizz.

A short while later the younger daughter arrives. Aged around 41, she lives a distance further away with a partner of only a few years. They are unmarried and have no children. She makes a remark about having a smaller house and you sense a tension, the younger sibling underachiever thing which I am highly knowledgeable about. An enormous amount of time, effort and money has been ploughed into this house – a large part from their retired accountant father. You wonder at the equality of the parental contributions, which is a hard thing to measure for any parents I suppose. But when one side appears to have so much more in property and children, it’s difficult.

It is all kinds of difficult. There are multiple neuroses and resentments. He / she has / had so much more than me. My time has passed. I will never have that, them, this.

The journey to and from Birmingham presents a strange role reversal. I drive, my wife sits alongside me and my parents sit in the back. Dad fell off a bicycle and badly broke his arm a week earlier; my wife suffers occasional travel sickness so likes to sit up front. On the dark return journey back south the rear view mirror shows dark outlines of my parents’ slumping snoozing heads. They sway and bob, zombie-like. It’s dangerously hypnotic and slightly spooky. Inoffensive pop music plays from Radio 2 as we hurtle back south down the motorway. Glancing left, I see my wife’s eyes shut, restful. I feel alone and responsible in my consciousness.

If we are successful at reproducing a small person, that person is unlikely to have the same relationship with their Grandparents (my parents) as the one my niece and nephew have enjoyed for around a decade. We may not be as able to lean so much on my parents for childcare support. (My wife has no living parents or super close family). It is not inconceivable that we will attempt to raise a child and care for dying parents at the same time.

Such stuff, together with ideas of success and charitable family donations – who has more, who has earned more and been given more – it all feeds resentments, needles down, can ultimately divide family.  It never occurred to me until recently, but above everything else I might end up most envying my brother’s potent jizz.